Monday, June 22, 2009

To see the Sunrise, we must get through the Dark.

If you know me, then you know I am not a crack of dawn type of person – never have been, doubt I ever will be. I am on the other end of the spectrum – the “afternoon / evening / night owl” - it’s when I am most productive, most creative, and most in control of the day.

And as if the morning could not be more of a challenge, when I am feeling stressed, I become an even bigger protester of the “start to the day”.

This morning should come then as no surprise - a typical Chrissy morning. I woke up, late again, after I slept through the alarm, grabbed a quick shower, my work bag, a bottle of water and ran out the door. On most mornings, I don’t forget Thomas … but we are human … and believe me, the lecture I get from him in the car is enough ….

Let me explain that this morning came after a gorgeous afternoon out on Rend Lake with my father, and family. This is the first father’s day we have spent together; to say that it was monumental would not be giving it justice. With water is where I feel at peace, and as such I am able to let go; however, I did not see that in me yesterday. Sure I was having a remarkable time – sharing in the day, capturing the memories, learning that I can prove my brother wrong and knee board! But I found myself holding back, holding in. I was wrapped up with my anxiety and not enjoying the gift of the day. My outlook was clouded with the pressures of life, the undone, the yet to be … I drove home last night, as my co-pilot Thomas was quick to fall asleep, in the vast presence of literally the road, and the radio. As I watched the sunset, the magnitude of the day, mixed with the guilt of not truly enjoying it, overcame me and I wept somewhere between Carlyle and Mascoutah.

I feel stressed. I feel overwhelmed. I feel somewhere between the right and left, I should have zigged when I zagged. My color coordinated to-do list of a spreadsheet, mixed with my defense mechanism of humor, can only get me so far. I want to be living in the moment, instead of just being. I will be the first to admit that at times I feel hypocritical – It’s effortless for me to explain to you how to savor the moment, and not seem to be able to take my own damn advice. But believe me, I am the hardest on myself. And after a good 15 minute cry, I do thank God for all of the blessings that he has given me – like the fact that I was able to spend the first father’s day with my real dad … with the gift of love around me … my son to inspire me … and the sound of laughter, coming from a family, that already lost so much time and now doesn’t want to waste a second of it. But I still grow angry that for 15 minutes I don’t appreciate …

Life is happening. It will continue to happen. None of us want to hear that reasoning, but it has been tested, proven, and never fails. It’s a science; it’s a law of nature. Stepping back from our situations and truly viewing them for what they are – life – can remove the clutter and give us the clarity we need to start making much needed changes in our lives.
Careers, ambitions, goals, finances, heartache, pain, guilt, frustration, anxiety, fear, CHANGE … these are just a few of life’s demands – and most of us are dealing with a life’s concoction of numerous demands, with no chaser, on a continually open tab.

I think the decisions we face, must be met with our instincts, our respect, and our appreciation - God will handle the rest. No matter how much we want to kick and scream, this is the life God has chosen for us. There is a lesson to be learned, if we are truly listening. Is life actually difficult, or do we have a hand in making it difficult? He gives us free will, but it’s up to us to see the lesson and follow the path. Sure it’s hard to walk, and at times we will hesitate, even falter… but we are prepared with more resources than we are willing to even notice – the relationships of our lives, the inner spirit, a benevolent God at our side. With him, all is possible. Let us not forget that.

In life we will have to take the good with the bad / roll with the punches / and at times we want to throw a temper tantrum and scream "ENOUGH"… but as a true optimist, the glass is half full, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade kind of a gal … I believe your biggest battle is overcoming yourself, your doubt, your fear, your worry … and once you have conquered the war on that inner battlefield ... the dust will settle, the darkness will turn to light, and you will smile … because now the splendor of life is as apparent as the beaming sunrise … and on that morning, you will be sure to rise early enough to watch its rising.

1 comment:

  1. I too suffer from these feelings that you describe constantly and I think that you really touched the right spot! You spoke to me and made me want to say something that I have never said to myself out loud. I've always just suppressed it and moved on, never put a finger on what it was that constantly bothers me. I know this is why you write and I love that you take the time out of your CRAZY schedule to help others. You are a truly remarkable person, but don't ever try to full yourself that you are supposed to be perfect, because no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and this is how we dust ourselves off and try again, but with the knowledge of our past mistakes to help read us in the right direction. Next father's day make a promise to yourself to set all else aside and live in the moment not just as part of it. I too will work harder at my own advice!!