A trying day. A trying week. A trying month. Recently each day feels like a “full moon” experience, and in turn I am at a loss on how to write this week’s column. The feeling of a billion ideas, thoughts, notions are running through my head (which I write down in places such as the fog of the mirror and it questions my self sabotage – do I really try to make things more difficult??)
As these ideas are so scattered, I ask for clarity, insight, and conformity to piece them together, conform a piece of literature that can speak to you, captivate, compel you to see the light in the depths of darkness, the beauty in the surroundings, the meaning to the pain. Nonetheless, my recycle bin is filled with rough drafts that could not possibly deliver any of the mentioned.
Yet I can say this: one prominent thought that I cannot shudder is this uneasy feeling. Not from the writer’s block, not from the insomnia or headaches, not from all these questions I seem to have that lack answers – but this uneasy feeling of week after week I pour out column after column in search of providing stepping stones in your lives to make a difference, to make a change – and at the same time fuel my inner self growth, discovery, and enlightenment. Showing us that life can be accomplished; not by money in the bank or materialistic processions, not by social events or corporate ladders, not by the number of people in your life or even the number of Christmas cards you receive each year – but by undemanding, effortless, basic parts of life.
Like skipping. When’s the last time you skipped? Gender does not matter, at one point in our lives, each of us used to skip. So I ask you to stop laughing at the question and answer it. Then answer these: Why did you stop skipping? When did you feel too “adult” to “break it out” down the sidewalk, or road, or grassy field? When did we all turn our backs to the simplistic forms of bliss and happiness, that didn’t cost a dime, that didn’t come with rules, that didn’t expect anything in return besides to provide a smile on your face and a content spirit in your heart?
Writing this piece cannot help but be accompanied by tears. These tears are out of remembrance and shame for turning my back to a part of me that provided harmony to my life; that added to it, instead of taking from it. Although I have grown leaps and bounds, mountains it seems, over the past few years – as I come into my own “element” I feel this sadness that the dark parts of my life held such a place that I was unaware of. Now, as the light seems to shine in, and provides a pathway to a transition, to healing, to growing …. What prevents me from skipping down this journey and taking in the true moments, the true meaning, the true grace life brings?
The answer: me, myself, and I. Self sabotage, self doubt, guilt, fear of failure, trepidation of the unknown, and what others may think if I took on the approach to skipping vs. running through life. I am tired of always chasing the moments in life that have the potential to show exquisiteness, but more tired that I prevent myself from seeing it. From feeling it. From living it.
What prevents you? My assumption is that your answer will be the same as mine, and my thought is that we do so because at least in the darkest of our moments we feel comfortable pulling the covers over our head and pretending that what scares us does not exist. And I am not naïve enough to think that by one afternoon of writing I can eliminate the darkness, the fear, the self sabotage to either of our lives. But now that we have the opportunity to face it, maybe now we can admit out loud that we are tired of living even some of our days in the dark. At least now we can stop pretending, stop hiding, and start the baby steps to begin skipping again. These steps are necessary to learn what life can truly bring if we stop pretending and start living. If we stop analyzing and start being. If we stop running … and start skipping.