Thursday, June 30, 2011

Cease Fire

Knock knock.
Whose there?
Berlin who?
Berlin don’t you wanna knock down your wall?

DAY 3 of the Cold war has commenced!!!! I brought my mittens, and my scarf. Bunkered in for what has felt like bitterness in wicked form. Who knew with temperatures in the sultry 90s outside, my life would require such cold weather attire as I sit here and wait – impatiently I may add.
The boyfriend and I are in a stand off. Our first exceedingly major fight as a couple, with words I assume we both regret, we have not spoken since Monday night.
Today’s Thursday.
I’d like to say I have a good reason for being so stubborn, but truth is, I don’t. My reasoning lies somewhere in the “He ended communication, he can start it up again. I don’t want to be the first one to reach out. I feel like it’s always me, like I want this more. I want him to show me that this relationship truly matters. That I have a piece of his heart. I hate this, but but but ….” … And then I ran of buts and started back from the beginning, with my foot stomping, my brow raised, and my head hurting from trying to find more excuses why I am not picking up the phone.

When it comes to relationships, when is it acceptable to wave the white flag? Not in defeat, but out of compassion for the person who has a piece of your heart. Out of respect for your relationship. Out of sadness because you miss them, or out of frustration for wanting to make things right, or purely out of love.

When it comes to relationships, when is it acceptable to stop hiding behind pride and quietness? Not in giving in, but in saying the relationship you share is not worth losing. By voicing that the other person truly matters. By telling them, with your actions that with them is where you belong, with your words that you’re sorry, with your commitment to moving past both of your errors in judgment in hope to create a stronger union.

When it comes to relationships, when is it acceptable to admit that you were wrong? Not through necessity, but through what you want. By admitting to your mistake in judgment. By accepting your role in the fight. By confessing that you were childish, and immature, and said things that you can’t take back, that the other person will carry with them because of your hardness. By knowing that you cannot erase what has been done, but through effort you can mend.

What I am about to say I undoubtedly know will come as no shock or new revolution to you, but I am going to say it anyway -- Life is too short. Too short not to take the advice of John Mayer and "say what you need to say". If spoken from the heart, your words cannot haunt you - instead they have every possibility to set you free. Free from solitude of regret, and wonder. Free from darkness of hiding in pain. Free from holding guilt and frustration over something that could quite possibly not even matter now; In fact, how many times have you heard “I don’t even remember what we were fighting about” or worse, how many times have you uttered the same phrase, sheltered by your pride and ignorance to the fact that nine times out of ten, problems could be resolved if we were not such control addicts. If we were capable of truly letting someone in. If the other person mattered more than our arrogance. If we saw our future filled with such beauty with the addition of the other person just by being in it, and without them, we saw it as something far less. If the ego was placed out of the equation in exchange for the words, "this has gone on long enough".

Unspoken words spawns fear from chaos. There is confusion and shock, sadness and a heavy heart. But, there is also something worse than words -- The regret from not knowing what could have happened from those unspoken conversations. And this is not in the “marital advice” column. This is in all capacities of relationships in your life. From the corporate arena, to the home front, to the best friend statue, to the loved one genre, to the matter of your heart… whoever it is that at this moment you are holding back from, let the stubbornness go, and make an attempt to fix things. And if you’re not ready to, then ask you to yourself: do you truly want to exist in a world of wonder? Or do you want to know that you said what you needed to say … for better or worse … no matter what the outcome … you spoke out of compassion, concern, and empathy. No wrong can come from that.

I’m taking off my mittens … the question remains, are you willing to do the same?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

And just like that … emotions roll in …

Like the summer thunderstorm outside; one moment the sky is filled with a combination of twinkling stars and white clouds toying with the idea of allowing a storm to produce, and the next the decision was made and so begins the lightening followed by thunder, followed by rain that pours down like someone turned the shower on and switched out the gentle drops with turbulent disaster.

The past couple of months I have been a wreck in the emotions department. I have this cycle I seem to fight; One minute I am sailing high on bliss and elation, and then suddenly I find myself crashing and burning in my own world of confusion and chaos. For a girl who wanted it all, I sure have a funny way of showing my appreciation.

There is no real rhyme or reason to when the “emotions” strike. Sometimes they showcase themselves in a Kleenex of tears. Other times a fit of anger that no amount of therapeutic cleaning seems to cure. I bark orders, I fall on my defense mechanisms of sarcasm and denial, I lash out at those I care about most and neglect the root of the problem. I hide behind “problems” pretending that if I am quite enough they will get bored and leave.

Time to be an adult, and own it.

I am emotional. I am sensitive. I am dramatic and at times selfish. I create my environment by trying to control it. Every aspect of it. From start to finish, detailing it out on some color coordinated spreadsheet in the attempt to satisfy the over-achiever in me, and appease my obsessive compulsive side to my personality. And no matter how many times I realize the error of my ways, I still seem to little by little slide back into that comfort zone of my type A personality until the next time the wave of emotions needs to put some balance back into the Chrissy-system.

The truth is, I am scared. Scared that I will never be enough. Afraid that on the verge of turning 30, I missed my exit along the way; perhaps you know the one – Exit 101 – Becoming who you were meant to Be. I had hopes and aspirations that now seem like a flutter of a memory away. Flip the script, and I have so many things I always wanted and I don’t fully take the time to appreciation them and the amount of happiness they bring to my life. I don’t take advantage of the here and now, and instead I spend my time obsessing about what is yet to come and not enjoying the moment at hand. I’m afraid that what I do have will all go away and unintentionally I rebel, I think, with my own way of “it’s going to go away at some point, might as well get it over with.”

However, that’s the beauty about a summer rain storm. The water washes away the impurities of today, cooling the hot temperatures and giving nourishment to the environment it poured on. And that’s my hope of what is next on the agenda of to-do; wash away some of the pain of the past, some of the unnecessary worry, some of the self criticism and allow myself to accept myself. All of the flaws that make me who I am, and … Who I am still meant to be.