Sunday, June 26, 2011

And just like that … emotions roll in …

Like the summer thunderstorm outside; one moment the sky is filled with a combination of twinkling stars and white clouds toying with the idea of allowing a storm to produce, and the next the decision was made and so begins the lightening followed by thunder, followed by rain that pours down like someone turned the shower on and switched out the gentle drops with turbulent disaster.

The past couple of months I have been a wreck in the emotions department. I have this cycle I seem to fight; One minute I am sailing high on bliss and elation, and then suddenly I find myself crashing and burning in my own world of confusion and chaos. For a girl who wanted it all, I sure have a funny way of showing my appreciation.

There is no real rhyme or reason to when the “emotions” strike. Sometimes they showcase themselves in a Kleenex of tears. Other times a fit of anger that no amount of therapeutic cleaning seems to cure. I bark orders, I fall on my defense mechanisms of sarcasm and denial, I lash out at those I care about most and neglect the root of the problem. I hide behind “problems” pretending that if I am quite enough they will get bored and leave.

Time to be an adult, and own it.

I am emotional. I am sensitive. I am dramatic and at times selfish. I create my environment by trying to control it. Every aspect of it. From start to finish, detailing it out on some color coordinated spreadsheet in the attempt to satisfy the over-achiever in me, and appease my obsessive compulsive side to my personality. And no matter how many times I realize the error of my ways, I still seem to little by little slide back into that comfort zone of my type A personality until the next time the wave of emotions needs to put some balance back into the Chrissy-system.

The truth is, I am scared. Scared that I will never be enough. Afraid that on the verge of turning 30, I missed my exit along the way; perhaps you know the one – Exit 101 – Becoming who you were meant to Be. I had hopes and aspirations that now seem like a flutter of a memory away. Flip the script, and I have so many things I always wanted and I don’t fully take the time to appreciation them and the amount of happiness they bring to my life. I don’t take advantage of the here and now, and instead I spend my time obsessing about what is yet to come and not enjoying the moment at hand. I’m afraid that what I do have will all go away and unintentionally I rebel, I think, with my own way of “it’s going to go away at some point, might as well get it over with.”

However, that’s the beauty about a summer rain storm. The water washes away the impurities of today, cooling the hot temperatures and giving nourishment to the environment it poured on. And that’s my hope of what is next on the agenda of to-do; wash away some of the pain of the past, some of the unnecessary worry, some of the self criticism and allow myself to accept myself. All of the flaws that make me who I am, and … Who I am still meant to be.

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