Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Stage Four: Life and Stress Meet Head On.

Some people have a life that is stage four.

Life threatening.

That is where my life currently resides.

I’ve reached out, tapped my inner strength and prayed with all my might for things to come together in all aspects. I’ve gripped myself with the notion that if you are struggling for something too big, it’s not meant for you – it’s meant for God.
For the pain and stress of a dead end job, my worry, my anxiety to be taken from me, Lord hear my prayer.
For our bank account to have more than a red hue to the ending balance, Lord hear my prayer.
 For our homelife and the dark cloud of the unknown in our future as we await a court decision for our precious Bella, Lord hear my prayer. 
 For my worry of the unknown to vanish, my confusion, my fears, Lord hear my prayer. 

 I’ve tried to put the “what I cannot control” out of my mind, but, as we all tend to do – the unknown, the uncertainty can grip us. Grip us to the point we cannot catch our breath. We wake in a panic in the middle of the night, struggling to make some sense of the why. Worry takes over, and the thoughts bounce from one concept to the next. And so it’s with that bouncing that I find myself like a pin ball stuck in a game, pinging off one idea to the next. I’m fixated currently on my main struggle: finding a new career. A career that I am passionate about. A career that screams this is what I am meant to do. A career that is not exhausting, and gives more to my life than it takes from it.

But remember that pin ball machine I am stuck in? Well, when I think “what do I want to be when I grow up” suddenly its game on and the ball goes crazy. Public relations, open my own business, get the kid’s parties business off the ground – why hasn’t it happened yet? Maybe open a bistro and have live music. Is that hard to run a business? Write a book. Finish a book. Finish something! Maybe go back to school – doctor, lawyer, politician? Stay at home mom – pipe dream! –Plus it would eat me alive – go part time? Go crazy – wait, already there. Focus Chrissy, focus. Loop-de-loop, bonus round --- What. Can. I. Do. With. My. Life. Besides. This.

I am good at writing, well at least I think I am. I love designing, creating, project managing, public relations – client relations. An old soul with an artistic side. A girl that despite her faults holds compassion for achievement. I’m most happy with a job well done, praise, a pat on the back fuels me. But that’s what got me into this mess. Despite my gifs, I have weaknesses. I fall short, I give up. I get confused and sidetracked and my defense mechanism kicks in – I shut down. I pretend there is no conflict, both eternal and external, and somehow miraculously I will make it out unscathed.

But did I make it out with my soul intact?

Today I lay here on doctor’s orders for bed rest. It seems the stress of my current world can even take down the greatest of warrior moms. I’m not going to lie – I’m terrified. And not the medical aspect – a migraine and vertigo gone crazy I think I can handle, but it’s the I don’t want to portion of it, and then how it got to this point. But where did I go wrong? I was loyal and dedicated and hard working. But I didn't advance. In fact it seemed the more I did a great job the more I was ignored. I passed the seven and doors should have opened, but instead I was asked to lower my bar of achievement. There was no place for it. Being a single mom, being a parent period, you put your child's needs above yours. And that's what I did - we needed that paycheck, so I could scale back my ambitions. But time escaped me, and years later I am here wishing I didn’t feel like I handicapped myself. Now for months I have been searching for a new career. Hoping, praying that will be my ticket out of this stressful mess. A new career means new hope, new promise, new possibilities. Maybe it’s the starting point to a kick off of “life’s crazy is now behind us!”

I’m exhausted worrying. I want to put this chapter behind me to focus on our future. A future that is filled with so much love, that it makes me aware in the aspects of friends and family – I am one rich woman. In fact, I am typing this with a rock on my left hand that means the world to me. It’s a symbol given to me by the love of my life that no matter what, together we will face this stage four and fight it. The support, the overwhelming love from dear friends makes my heart melt. Knowing people like my Aunt AJ believe in me, even when I don’t believe in myself, makes me not want to give up until I have the highest score in pin ball and can walk away from the game.

With all that love and support behind you – how could you not just go for it? What’s one dream today, for you that you would reach for if you knew no matter what you had a safe loving place to land? If you have a dream – hold on to it tight, no matter how scatter brained it may seem. Because now is the time to go for it. Don’t wait like I did. Take a chance on yourself, and who knows where you will land –But I know that this is not it. The clock is ticking. It's my turn to make a difference in my life, and your turn to do the same in yours.